Pretend to choke

You quickly tuck into a brazil nut and chew it contemplatively as you consider your reply. Then, thrusting your hands up to your neck and going a convincing shade of purple, you pretend to choke, flailing wildly around the room, knocking the Christmas tree down in the process.

Dad’s unfazed. He knows the Heimlich maneuver and he’s on you in a flash. Before you know it there’s an unseemly blob of congealed nut splattered over the opposite wall and the the family are congratulating your father for his life-saving quick thinking. As the hubbub subsides and you mumble your thanks, the hero of the hour decides to play an ace.

“It’s a good job we didn’t have to call Doctor – not that he celebrates christmas anyway – but you can’t understand a bloody word he says.”

Rats! You thought that faking an obstructed airway would kill this thing before it got started? No chance. You’re up against a pro here, and at this time of year he’s very much the man in form.

Do you:

Say ‘May I remind you Dad that your heart-bypass operation was carried out by a Filipino gentleman? Would you like him to come back and unwire you and you can take your chances with the next available surgeon who was born within twenty miles of your postcode?

Mumble “heh, yeah”

Panic, and announce that you’re gay.

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